Boundaries & Self-Leadership
If you’ve ever found yourself needing to assert a boundary, you’ll know it can show up in many ways. Sometimes it’s clear that someone is pushing too hard, expecting something that doesn’t feel right. Other times it’s subtle: a vague comment, extra tasks quietly landing on your plate, or the people-pleaser part of you stepping in before you’ve had time to think.
Before we realise it, we’ve agreed to something that drains us or goes against our values. And slowly, our energy, rest, and peace of mind begin to slip away.
When we start working with boundaries, the inner critic often gets louder. At the same time, people can get more tactical at getting their needs met first. It can leave us feeling pulled in two directions: external pressure and internal pressure, with little room to breathe.
In these moments, reflective practice helps, but it isn’t always possible.
A few mindful breaths, however, are always available.
A pause.
A gentle noticing of how your body feels.
This softening helps us hear the quieter voice beneath the noise – the one that whispers, “Something’s not right… I need to slow down… Enough.”
Research from Compassion clinician and expert Professor Paul Gilbert reminds us that the tone we use with ourselves matters. A calmer, warmer tone settles the body. American professor of psychology the University of California, Berkeley, Dr Dacher Keltner’s work shows that compassion – a gentler gaze, voice, or posture – helps us steady ourselves from the inside out.
Listening to the body is part of this self-leadership. The knot in the stomach, the tight jaw, the heavy shoulders – these aren’t inconveniences. They’re signals. And when we soften around them rather than override them, clarity begins to appear.
Sometimes the right boundary is a firm “NO”, voiced sooner rather than later, giving others time to find alternatives rather than be disappointed later.
Sometimes it’s a negotiation or a kinder alternative.
Sometimes it means stepping back to re-energise, rethink, or, as Dr Rick Hanson says, “shrinking” a relationship temporarily so we can return clearer and more grounded.
And often, boundaries take strength and courage.
They ask us to honour our values, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Self-compassion supports us here.
Not to “fix” the discomfort, but to meet ourselves kindly in the middle of it. As Dr Chris Germer teaches, we offer compassion not to make suffering disappear, but because we are suffering – because we’re human and suffering.
Over time, these practices strengthen our ability to choose what’s true and nurturing. Old patterns may pull at us, but with breath, space, and gentle awareness, we learn to stay close to the quieter wisdom inside.
From there, boundaries become less about protection and more about honouring who we are – for our own wellbeing and for the wellbeing of those around us.
There may be a part of you longing for a different way to live and lead—one that is steadier, kinder, more spacious. One where your boundaries protect your wellbeing rather than drain it. One where your inner voice becomes an ally instead of a critic. If that resonates, you’re not alone.
At elementas, I support people to explore boundaries and compassionate self-leadership in two ways:
1:1 Coaching
A confidential space to untangle old patterns, strengthen your inner voice, and build boundaries that feel aligned rather than forced. Men’s compassionate coaching.
Compassionate Leadership Circles Small, supportive groups where we explore real-life challenges, space for reflection and practicing mindful tools to safely try out and explore new and healthy ways and habits of living and working together.
If you feel the pull, I’d love to walk alongside you.
You deserve a life where your boundaries support you, not drain you.
Where compassion steadies you.
Where your leadership begins within.